Changes

How different would you be if half of you was taken away and thrown aside? How painful would it be to do things alone when you're used to doing those things with someone else? How far would you go to force yourself to believe in lies? How long will it take for you to be okay?

Giving up

You; The 1975

They say, "If you don't succeed, try, and try again." The countless times of trying to achieve what seemed attainable was heartbreaking enough that you reach a point wherein you just get so tired, discouraged, and out of breath, leaving you thinking where you could possibly unearth the energy to get up on your feet again and continue. You forget the reasons why you're still struggling to get to that one important thing.

How I see it, giving up is easier said than done. The hardship and tribulations you've gone through is already difficult. You've gone passed the first trial and you keep pushing yourself to just fight a little more but you still come up empty handed. Why would you give up? It is as if you just want to keep going at it again, and again. Giving up is onerous.

And it was just as arduous to learn to give up because I have failed in everything I have ever fought for.

the lamb

For the past few days I've been too busy. My mind has been all over the place. I don't know how I was able to forget what happened a year ago. I still can't believe you're gone. I don't understand how you were able to do it. I waited to hear from you but I never did.

I smile whenever I think of you and the night we first met. My eyes would well up and tears would fall when I'd think about the day I heard about your death. I hope you're having an amazing party up there, M.

I miss you, still.
I love you.

Disheartened

Have you ever, in your wildest dreams, thought you'd be what you are at this very moment in time? How did we ever get to this place, do what we're doing, and feeling the way we are? Is it what we want? Is it what we imagined we'd be? Ultimately, are we happy?

For the longest time, I've been so sure that I'm ready to face this inevitable challenge. I feel as if I have so much to offer and at the same time, I have everything to gain. Unfortunately this challenge is missing the most important component. You.  But lately, I feel like running and hiding. Although I'm almost certain you won't even bother looking. Somewhat hoping that you'll never find me again. I don't really know what we're doing, and I don't exactly know what's supposed to happen. I just know that at this very moment I feel like I'm slowly withdrawing my thoughts of you.

Or maybe what I need to do is allow what I'm feeling for you to momentarily slow down because I know I'll terribly miss you if I quit you. And even without quitting, I already do.