Luna

Like the moon orbiting the Earth, I was orbiting the sun. It was a far greater conquest than I could have ever imagined but it was just as tiresome to revolve around someone who was stagnant and unmoving. Your light shined so bright that you wouldn't let anyone near you even if they tried. And to those unfortunate like me who made an effort but grew weary, we were left with nothing but scalding burn marks on our hearts. Nothing left. Not so much but cold regards.

You, and only you.

Four years and so many people in between but the bottom line is, it's still you. And i hope you realize it. It may not be now, it may not be soon but i've gone four years without you, what's another four years of waiting for the right moment to be with you?

a marathon away

In that precise moment, I felt your body close to mine. I could feel the warmth of your breath as you passionately talked about love and heartache. I could feel your pulse when you talked about something that excited you. I could feel your eyes looking at the outline of my body. I could feel you right there next to me and yet in reality you were so far away and I craved nothing more than to be in the proximity of your guiding warm light.

Still you

You're probably reading this. Yes. You. So in the event that you are, I want you to know that I just want to make you happy because I know you can do the same for me. I want to be good to you because you deserve it after all the terrible things you've been through. I want to touch your skin and kiss you where it hurts. I want to whisper in your ear and tell you all the things you want to hear. I want to cry on your shoulder and apologize for the past six years. I want to make up for the lost time. I want to do all of these things for you because after everything we've been through together and apart, I realized that all I need is you.

What do you when you want something you can't have?

I'm an only child. They say only people like me are insanely spoiled. I would have to agree. My family takes pleasure in seeing me happy by fulfilling my every wish.

My parents are separated which makes it easier for me to get what I want. When my mom won't give me what I want, I can always run to daddy. When neither of them can provide, there is always someone I can run to satisfy my needs.

At 22, things aren't as easy to get like they used to be. I can't throw a fit or a tantrum in the middle of the mall. Why not? What I want isn't an object anymore. What I want is someone. Someone I can't have. What do you do then?

He's tall and dark. And funny and nice. And sweet and smart. And down to earth and genuine. And he's there standing in front of me but I can't see him clearly because someone is blocking my view. That someone is telling me not to get any closer. That someone is his, and he is hers. And I am me. With nothing.

You

It's been 27 hours since I last saw you and the conversation we had has been lingering in my mind ever since. We talked about a lot of things. About you. About me. About us. We talked as if the years didn't push us apart. We used to be younger, naive, and scared, but time has changed us and I'd like to think that we're better people now.

Despite knowing you for six years, there's always something new that we could talk about. I learned so much more about you in the four hours we spent together on your rooftop than the time I thought we were really close.

I'm am and probably will always be drawn towards you. Thank you for letting me in again and trusting me with things you couldn't tell your other friends. I don't know where this new page in our lives will take us but I know that as long as I have you around, things will be okay because you make me say things about myself that I couldn't ever say out loud. You make me realize things about myself that I never even noticed. You see the good in me and you see how much I've changed from that high school girl you used to be in love with. You make me want to be that amazing person that you see in me.

I never told you but I shouldn't have taken you for granted. You told me to fall in love with hope, and that's what I'm trying to do. Falling in love with hope that one day you'll start falling for me too.

Expectedly Unexpected

When you've known him for the longest time like I do, you'll wonder how I let things happen the way they did. The first time I met him, he was dating someone else. We started bumping into each other more often than I expected. He had his own car and I didn't even have a license. He'd bring me home when I had no other way or when I was terribly drunk. He never asked for anything in return of all the favors he had done for me. The car rides were mostly quiet with an exception of his favorite band playing from his car stereo. The old CD would sometimes skip in between songs. The first time he drove me home I attempted to air-kiss him like I would normally do with any other friend and he leaned away. He explained that it wasn't into it because he didn't like being touched and as a friend, I respected that. I remember I needed to be somewhere immediately and he dropped whatever he was doing at that time and drove me to where I needed to be. At first I thought it was pretty convenient to have him around but then I realized I started to like him. I couldn't stop hearing his favorite band playing in my head. I couldn't stop seeing his boyish smile when I'd close my eyes. I'd get jumpy whenever he'd call or text. I felt like I was in high school all over again. In one car ride, we were talking about relationships. This was a few months after he stopped dating that girl he was dating when we first met. He told me he wasn't ready to date anyone just yet. He told me he imagines that he'd meet a girl unexpectedly and that they'll both immediately know that they'd end up together. Just like that.

I remember one time I completely and obliviously air-kissed him and he allowed it. I was surprised myself. He said that it didn't bother him so much anymore. I remember the adventure we took. We spent over twelve hours on a boat in the summer heat. We spent days in the same room. Things got a little bit overly dramatic at this point and it was completely my fault and I thought that we'd never be the same unexpected friends again. We ended up not talking on the trip back home. He started dating a friend of mine after that adventure. I didn't mind because I was so caught up in my own bubble of salted air and booze that was reminiscent of our adventure that we ended up spending apart. The relationship didn't work out because he wasn't in the stage where he'd take any girl seriously.

We were back being unexpected friends. He had called to say he was going to help me with something important I needed to do. He wasn't very much of help but his presence just made me feel like he actually really cared. He took me to see his world after that day. I was the first girl he has ever brought home to meet his mom. He took me to a wake park where we just sat in silence wrapped in cigarette smoke. He took me to meet his friends. He took me back to where I needed to be. And like clockwork we'd spend another few months apart without any constant communication. And I was okay with it. I'm always okay with it when he unexpectedly disappears because I know he always makes the first move when he wants to come back or show up.

I had just arrived from the province and he calls to ask me out for lunch. He was already waiting outside my house. He taught me how to drive stick and he didn't mind that I kept breaking down his newly purchased car. And just like that he was gone again. I didn't expect to hear from him for a couple of months until we bumped into each other in a club. He held my hand and kissed my cheek and told me not to be mad. You have to understand how surprising this is because this is the same guy that didn't want me to air-kiss him when we were starting our friendship. That same night, he kissed me and told me how I messed up during our adventure and that I had my chance and blew it. I was so confused because this is the same guy that didn't want anything serious. And I thought he changed, but as unexpected comes in the form of this guy, he proved me wrong.

Everything with him has always been random and unexpected.

And maybe that's his thing. For people not to expect anything from him and I should've known better because I already know what kind of person he is. But to this date, when I think of him, I hear his favorite band playing in my head and I just wish that we were still the same unexpected friends in his car sitting in silence without a cloud of drama over our heads.