What do you when you want something you can't have?

I'm an only child. They say only people like me are insanely spoiled. I would have to agree. My family takes pleasure in seeing me happy by fulfilling my every wish.

My parents are separated which makes it easier for me to get what I want. When my mom won't give me what I want, I can always run to daddy. When neither of them can provide, there is always someone I can run to satisfy my needs.

At 22, things aren't as easy to get like they used to be. I can't throw a fit or a tantrum in the middle of the mall. Why not? What I want isn't an object anymore. What I want is someone. Someone I can't have. What do you do then?

He's tall and dark. And funny and nice. And sweet and smart. And down to earth and genuine. And he's there standing in front of me but I can't see him clearly because someone is blocking my view. That someone is telling me not to get any closer. That someone is his, and he is hers. And I am me. With nothing.

Finding reasons to stay

I thought you and I were both ready for a new start. I must admit it's been a while since I've felt this way about anyone or anything. What is so troubling is that we retrogressed before we could even move forward. Now I'm questioning my decisions. Is this what I really want? I told you to figure out what you want to happen. I told you to really think about your decision. I agreed so easily to stay in this state of nothingness. Maybe I wanted this because I, myself, am not sure about what I want anymore. I told you not to take too long because I won't always be around but when I think about it, maybe I'm already gone.

Drunken thoughts

Drunken stories and emotions from the heart can no longer be the start. I tried so hard to make it work but unfortunately it left my emotions out to lurk. Who can hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay? To be honest, I think about you everyday. If only I could, I'd muster the courage to be able to let you know that you and I should. Take care of me. I'll let you. Tell me we could start something new.

Changes

How different would you be if half of you was taken away and thrown aside? How painful would it be to do things alone when you're used to doing those things with someone else? How far would you go to force yourself to believe in lies? How long will it take for you to be okay?

Giving up

You; The 1975

They say, "If you don't succeed, try, and try again." The countless times of trying to achieve what seemed attainable was heartbreaking enough that you reach a point wherein you just get so tired, discouraged, and out of breath, leaving you thinking where you could possibly unearth the energy to get up on your feet again and continue. You forget the reasons why you're still struggling to get to that one important thing.

How I see it, giving up is easier said than done. The hardship and tribulations you've gone through is already difficult. You've gone passed the first trial and you keep pushing yourself to just fight a little more but you still come up empty handed. Why would you give up? It is as if you just want to keep going at it again, and again. Giving up is onerous.

And it was just as arduous to learn to give up because I have failed in everything I have ever fought for.

the lamb

For the past few days I've been too busy. My mind has been all over the place. I don't know how I was able to forget what happened a year ago. I still can't believe you're gone. I don't understand how you were able to do it. I waited to hear from you but I never did.

I smile whenever I think of you and the night we first met. My eyes would well up and tears would fall when I'd think about the day I heard about your death. I hope you're having an amazing party up there, M.

I miss you, still.
I love you.

Disheartened

Have you ever, in your wildest dreams, thought you'd be what you are at this very moment in time? How did we ever get to this place, do what we're doing, and feeling the way we are? Is it what we want? Is it what we imagined we'd be? Ultimately, are we happy?

For the longest time, I've been so sure that I'm ready to face this inevitable challenge. I feel as if I have so much to offer and at the same time, I have everything to gain. Unfortunately this challenge is missing the most important component. You.  But lately, I feel like running and hiding. Although I'm almost certain you won't even bother looking. Somewhat hoping that you'll never find me again. I don't really know what we're doing, and I don't exactly know what's supposed to happen. I just know that at this very moment I feel like I'm slowly withdrawing my thoughts of you.

Or maybe what I need to do is allow what I'm feeling for you to momentarily slow down because I know I'll terribly miss you if I quit you. And even without quitting, I already do.

Save.

(Where You Go; Young Romans)

I thought we were doing fine. I thought we were doing okay. I was really hoping you wouldn't be like the last one who was perfect but walked away. I'm not looking to blame anyone or point fingers but instead, here I am, trying my best to be someone you can talk to without even asking you, "What's wrong?" I don't know how you got to this point of wallowing in self-inflicted misery and I'm not ready to ask. I told you to leave everything in the past. I told you I'll be right here. You're stuck there and I'm waiting in the present. Grab my hand, I'll get you out of there.

surprises

A surprise for you.
A year has passed and you're greeted with another one with great company by your side, doing the unimaginable for someone like you. You never expected your day to turn out this way. I could tell by the change in your face's expression. Your usual sullen look has turned around to a contented-pushing-it-to-happy smile.

A surprise for me.
I never thought I'd feel this way seeing your face light up. I could feel the warmth and joy around you transcend. I never want to see your face covered with a morose expression. I didn't know this until now but maybe, just maybe, this is how much you really mean to me.

Greatest Regret

Temptation; Karma Kid

Today, a friend kept forcing a joke about a certain guy being my greatest regret. And it got me thinking, have I labeled someone as my greatest regret? I think at different points in time, someone fit the description. But after gaining more experience, and meeting new people, and having relationships with others, the person that I used to call my 'greatest regret' becomes meaningless and someone else fills in. I don't know if that's a bad thing because it seems as my experience with the most recent 'regret' is worse than the person before him.

What's strange is that right now, I can't think of anyone to label as my greatest regret. Maybe those past regrets aren't even regrets anymore. Is it possible for these regrets to be sorted in a box of regular experiences instead? The experience may have been terrible and regrettable in the past but now, totally irrelevant and insignificant.

Apart from the crudeness of labeling someone as your greatest regret, I wonder how it feels like to find out you're someone else's greatest regret.

You Underestimate Me

Youth; Simian Ghost

I never thought I'd be given the chance to do something this big. I've always wanted to be in charge of something potentially huge. I've always wanted to lead and be able to ignite and spark people's passion to do something that is of greater good. I finally got what I wanted. But instead of feeling excited about it, I let tears and fears get the best of me. Self-doubt. There's a huge difference between wanting something and actually doing it when you're finally given the chance. But beyond feeling agitated, nothing compares to the good feeling when higher authority recognizes and acknowledges your capabilities and believes that you can deliver.