I'm fucked.

I was lying when I said I haven't made up my mind. I'm still looking for the answer I want to hear only so that I can reaffirm my decision. But everyone keeps pushing me to the opposite direction. I don't think I have it in me to try again. I cared too much the first time and I don't want to have to face disappointment all over again.

The creation of me

The clouds and soil married and became one. They made love to each other vigorously before they were forced to be separated by the mountains and the sun. The clouds, depressed, shed salted tears that fell upon the soil. The soil caught all the tears and held them tight. They created a love child despite the sadness. This child became the sea which bore another creature, that was me.

Finding reasons to stay

I thought you and I were both ready for a new start. I must admit it's been a while since I've felt this way about anyone or anything. What is so troubling is that we retrogressed before we could even move forward. Now I'm questioning my decisions. Is this what I really want? I told you to figure out what you want to happen. I told you to really think about your decision. I agreed so easily to stay in this state of nothingness. Maybe I wanted this because I, myself, am not sure about what I want anymore. I told you not to take too long because I won't always be around but when I think about it, maybe I'm already gone.

Drunken thoughts

Drunken stories and emotions from the heart can no longer be the start. I tried so hard to make it work but unfortunately it left my emotions out to lurk. Who can hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay? To be honest, I think about you everyday. If only I could, I'd muster the courage to be able to let you know that you and I should. Take care of me. I'll let you. Tell me we could start something new.

Changes

How different would you be if half of you was taken away and thrown aside? How painful would it be to do things alone when you're used to doing those things with someone else? How far would you go to force yourself to believe in lies? How long will it take for you to be okay?

Giving up

You; The 1975

They say, "If you don't succeed, try, and try again." The countless times of trying to achieve what seemed attainable was heartbreaking enough that you reach a point wherein you just get so tired, discouraged, and out of breath, leaving you thinking where you could possibly unearth the energy to get up on your feet again and continue. You forget the reasons why you're still struggling to get to that one important thing.

How I see it, giving up is easier said than done. The hardship and tribulations you've gone through is already difficult. You've gone passed the first trial and you keep pushing yourself to just fight a little more but you still come up empty handed. Why would you give up? It is as if you just want to keep going at it again, and again. Giving up is onerous.

And it was just as arduous to learn to give up because I have failed in everything I have ever fought for.

the lamb

For the past few days I've been too busy. My mind has been all over the place. I don't know how I was able to forget what happened a year ago. I still can't believe you're gone. I don't understand how you were able to do it. I waited to hear from you but I never did.

I smile whenever I think of you and the night we first met. My eyes would well up and tears would fall when I'd think about the day I heard about your death. I hope you're having an amazing party up there, M.

I miss you, still.
I love you.