the lamb

For the past few days I've been too busy. My mind has been all over the place. I don't know how I was able to forget what happened a year ago. I still can't believe you're gone. I don't understand how you were able to do it. I waited to hear from you but I never did.

I smile whenever I think of you and the night we first met. My eyes would well up and tears would fall when I'd think about the day I heard about your death. I hope you're having an amazing party up there, M.

I miss you, still.
I love you.

Disheartened

Have you ever, in your wildest dreams, thought you'd be what you are at this very moment in time? How did we ever get to this place, do what we're doing, and feeling the way we are? Is it what we want? Is it what we imagined we'd be? Ultimately, are we happy?

For the longest time, I've been so sure that I'm ready to face this inevitable challenge. I feel as if I have so much to offer and at the same time, I have everything to gain. Unfortunately this challenge is missing the most important component. You.  But lately, I feel like running and hiding. Although I'm almost certain you won't even bother looking. Somewhat hoping that you'll never find me again. I don't really know what we're doing, and I don't exactly know what's supposed to happen. I just know that at this very moment I feel like I'm slowly withdrawing my thoughts of you.

Or maybe what I need to do is allow what I'm feeling for you to momentarily slow down because I know I'll terribly miss you if I quit you. And even without quitting, I already do.

Save.

(Where You Go; Young Romans)

I thought we were doing fine. I thought we were doing okay. I was really hoping you wouldn't be like the last one who was perfect but walked away. I'm not looking to blame anyone or point fingers but instead, here I am, trying my best to be someone you can talk to without even asking you, "What's wrong?" I don't know how you got to this point of wallowing in self-inflicted misery and I'm not ready to ask. I told you to leave everything in the past. I told you I'll be right here. You're stuck there and I'm waiting in the present. Grab my hand, I'll get you out of there.

never been better

surprises

A surprise for you.
A year has passed and you're greeted with another one with great company by your side, doing the unimaginable for someone like you. You never expected your day to turn out this way. I could tell by the change in your face's expression. Your usual sullen look has turned around to a contented-pushing-it-to-happy smile.

A surprise for me.
I never thought I'd feel this way seeing your face light up. I could feel the warmth and joy around you transcend. I never want to see your face covered with a morose expression. I didn't know this until now but maybe, just maybe, this is how much you really mean to me.

When your best friend breaks up with you

Runaway; Jensen Gomez

You were my best friend and I thought those kinds of relationships would last forever. We talked about doing so many things together.

Go surfing.

Put up a shirt business.

Travel.

Go to the same university.

Even take up the same majors.

I never knew it would hurt so much when you decided to leave me. You didn't even give me a second chance. You left me empty and weary. I didn't know what to do first. I don't know if that even matters.

Be mad.

Be sad.

Feel nothing.

Brush it off.

Give you time.

Try again.

I tried so much. I tried for two years. One day i just came to accept the fact that I had to learn to live without you. I had to let you go. I had to pick myself up. And in the four years that have passed, the new friends I made weren't anything like you.

I still have all the things you gave me. The book you made for my birthday. The notebook for creative purposes. The shirt you never got to wear.

I'd tell my new friends about you and how you asked me to prom. I told them how you made me feel, the one I never got to tell you at all. 

Today I tried again. Now I feel like a child learning how to walk for the first time because it isn't like long time friends who see each other again and hug it out with a long string of stories to match, acting as if lost time is easy to make up for. Because it's not. Four years has passed and I still don't know how to act around you. I'm scared that I might do something to create a greater distance between us.

Four years has passed and we're finally doing all of the things we used to talk about doing together. But we're doing it separately.

Greatest Regret

Temptation; Karma Kid

Today, a friend kept forcing a joke about a certain guy being my greatest regret. And it got me thinking, have I labeled someone as my greatest regret? I think at different points in time, someone fit the description. But after gaining more experience, and meeting new people, and having relationships with others, the person that I used to call my 'greatest regret' becomes meaningless and someone else fills in. I don't know if that's a bad thing because it seems as my experience with the most recent 'regret' is worse than the person before him.

What's strange is that right now, I can't think of anyone to label as my greatest regret. Maybe those past regrets aren't even regrets anymore. Is it possible for these regrets to be sorted in a box of regular experiences instead? The experience may have been terrible and regrettable in the past but now, totally irrelevant and insignificant.

Apart from the crudeness of labeling someone as your greatest regret, I wonder how it feels like to find out you're someone else's greatest regret.