Luna

Like the moon orbiting the Earth, I was orbiting the sun. It was a far greater conquest than I could have ever imagined but it was just as tiresome to revolve around someone who was stagnant and unmoving. Your light shined so bright that you wouldn't let anyone near you even if they tried. And to those unfortunate like me who made an effort but grew weary, we were left with nothing but scalding burn marks on our hearts. Nothing left. Not so much but cold regards.

You, and only you.

Four years and so many people in between but the bottom line is, it's still you. And i hope you realize it. It may not be now, it may not be soon but i've gone four years without you, what's another four years of waiting for the right moment to be with you?

a marathon away

In that precise moment, I felt your body close to mine. I could feel the warmth of your breath as you passionately talked about love and heartache. I could feel your pulse when you talked about something that excited you. I could feel your eyes looking at the outline of my body. I could feel you right there next to me and yet in reality you were so far away and I craved nothing more than to be in the proximity of your guiding warm light.

Still you

You're probably reading this. Yes. You. So in the event that you are, I want you to know that I just want to make you happy because I know you can do the same for me. I want to be good to you because you deserve it after all the terrible things you've been through. I want to touch your skin and kiss you where it hurts. I want to whisper in your ear and tell you all the things you want to hear. I want to cry on your shoulder and apologize for the past six years. I want to make up for the lost time. I want to do all of these things for you because after everything we've been through together and apart, I realized that all I need is you.

What do you when you want something you can't have?

I'm an only child. They say only people like me are insanely spoiled. I would have to agree. My family takes pleasure in seeing me happy by fulfilling my every wish.

My parents are separated which makes it easier for me to get what I want. When my mom won't give me what I want, I can always run to daddy. When neither of them can provide, there is always someone I can run to satisfy my needs.

At 22, things aren't as easy to get like they used to be. I can't throw a fit or a tantrum in the middle of the mall. Why not? What I want isn't an object anymore. What I want is someone. Someone I can't have. What do you do then?

He's tall and dark. And funny and nice. And sweet and smart. And down to earth and genuine. And he's there standing in front of me but I can't see him clearly because someone is blocking my view. That someone is telling me not to get any closer. That someone is his, and he is hers. And I am me. With nothing.

You

It's been 27 hours since I last saw you and the conversation we had has been lingering in my mind ever since. We talked about a lot of things. About you. About me. About us. We talked as if the years didn't push us apart. We used to be younger, naive, and scared, but time has changed us and I'd like to think that we're better people now.

Despite knowing you for six years, there's always something new that we could talk about. I learned so much more about you in the four hours we spent together on your rooftop than the time I thought we were really close.

I'm am and probably will always be drawn towards you. Thank you for letting me in again and trusting me with things you couldn't tell your other friends. I don't know where this new page in our lives will take us but I know that as long as I have you around, things will be okay because you make me say things about myself that I couldn't ever say out loud. You make me realize things about myself that I never even noticed. You see the good in me and you see how much I've changed from that high school girl you used to be in love with. You make me want to be that amazing person that you see in me.

I never told you but I shouldn't have taken you for granted. You told me to fall in love with hope, and that's what I'm trying to do. Falling in love with hope that one day you'll start falling for me too.

Expectedly Unexpected

When you've known him for the longest time like I do, you'll wonder how I let things happen the way they did. The first time I met him, he was dating someone else. We started bumping into each other more often than I expected. He had his own car and I didn't even have a license. He'd bring me home when I had no other way or when I was terribly drunk. He never asked for anything in return of all the favors he had done for me. The car rides were mostly quiet with an exception of his favorite band playing from his car stereo. The old CD would sometimes skip in between songs. The first time he drove me home I attempted to air-kiss him like I would normally do with any other friend and he leaned away. He explained that it wasn't into it because he didn't like being touched and as a friend, I respected that. I remember I needed to be somewhere immediately and he dropped whatever he was doing at that time and drove me to where I needed to be. At first I thought it was pretty convenient to have him around but then I realized I started to like him. I couldn't stop hearing his favorite band playing in my head. I couldn't stop seeing his boyish smile when I'd close my eyes. I'd get jumpy whenever he'd call or text. I felt like I was in high school all over again. In one car ride, we were talking about relationships. This was a few months after he stopped dating that girl he was dating when we first met. He told me he wasn't ready to date anyone just yet. He told me he imagines that he'd meet a girl unexpectedly and that they'll both immediately know that they'd end up together. Just like that.

I remember one time I completely and obliviously air-kissed him and he allowed it. I was surprised myself. He said that it didn't bother him so much anymore. I remember the adventure we took. We spent over twelve hours on a boat in the summer heat. We spent days in the same room. Things got a little bit overly dramatic at this point and it was completely my fault and I thought that we'd never be the same unexpected friends again. We ended up not talking on the trip back home. He started dating a friend of mine after that adventure. I didn't mind because I was so caught up in my own bubble of salted air and booze that was reminiscent of our adventure that we ended up spending apart. The relationship didn't work out because he wasn't in the stage where he'd take any girl seriously.

We were back being unexpected friends. He had called to say he was going to help me with something important I needed to do. He wasn't very much of help but his presence just made me feel like he actually really cared. He took me to see his world after that day. I was the first girl he has ever brought home to meet his mom. He took me to a wake park where we just sat in silence wrapped in cigarette smoke. He took me to meet his friends. He took me back to where I needed to be. And like clockwork we'd spend another few months apart without any constant communication. And I was okay with it. I'm always okay with it when he unexpectedly disappears because I know he always makes the first move when he wants to come back or show up.

I had just arrived from the province and he calls to ask me out for lunch. He was already waiting outside my house. He taught me how to drive stick and he didn't mind that I kept breaking down his newly purchased car. And just like that he was gone again. I didn't expect to hear from him for a couple of months until we bumped into each other in a club. He held my hand and kissed my cheek and told me not to be mad. You have to understand how surprising this is because this is the same guy that didn't want me to air-kiss him when we were starting our friendship. That same night, he kissed me and told me how I messed up during our adventure and that I had my chance and blew it. I was so confused because this is the same guy that didn't want anything serious. And I thought he changed, but as unexpected comes in the form of this guy, he proved me wrong.

Everything with him has always been random and unexpected.

And maybe that's his thing. For people not to expect anything from him and I should've known better because I already know what kind of person he is. But to this date, when I think of him, I hear his favorite band playing in my head and I just wish that we were still the same unexpected friends in his car sitting in silence without a cloud of drama over our heads.

terminal new

I've been gone for quite some time and the things around me haven't changed. What did change was the way I saw things. The way I saw myself. I spent numerous weeks in a rural land far, far away, in what felt like solitary confinement from what I was used to. The people were different. The events were different. I remained the same. I was put in an environment that I wasn't so used to anymore. I let my usual self be and mishaps came my way, one after the other. I returned to the urban setting I was so used to and I realized I wasn't happy anymore. I think that's what happens when you're stripped down to the bare necessities. You realize what is important, what is wrong, what makes you unhappy, what makes your flawed. Safe to say, I am sick of who I have become. All these flashy things and expensive adventures can't hide the distinct smell of 20-something wasting her life away. So this marks my desire to turn a new page, maybe even end a book and start anew. You know how people move countries to make a new life? Well I've taken off terminal one and I'm ready to land in terminal 'new'. The journey will be bumpy and full of turbulence but I don't mind.

I'm fucked.

I was lying when I said I haven't made up my mind. I'm still looking for the answer I want to hear only so that I can reaffirm my decision. But everyone keeps pushing me to the opposite direction. I don't think I have it in me to try again. I cared too much the first time and I don't want to have to face disappointment all over again.

The creation of me

The clouds and soil married and became one. They made love to each other vigorously before they were forced to be separated by the mountains and the sun. The clouds, depressed, shed salted tears that fell upon the soil. The soil caught all the tears and held them tight. They created a love child despite the sadness. This child became the sea which bore another creature, that was me.

Finding reasons to stay

I thought you and I were both ready for a new start. I must admit it's been a while since I've felt this way about anyone or anything. What is so troubling is that we retrogressed before we could even move forward. Now I'm questioning my decisions. Is this what I really want? I told you to figure out what you want to happen. I told you to really think about your decision. I agreed so easily to stay in this state of nothingness. Maybe I wanted this because I, myself, am not sure about what I want anymore. I told you not to take too long because I won't always be around but when I think about it, maybe I'm already gone.

Drunken thoughts

Drunken stories and emotions from the heart can no longer be the start. I tried so hard to make it work but unfortunately it left my emotions out to lurk. Who can hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay? To be honest, I think about you everyday. If only I could, I'd muster the courage to be able to let you know that you and I should. Take care of me. I'll let you. Tell me we could start something new.

Changes

How different would you be if half of you was taken away and thrown aside? How painful would it be to do things alone when you're used to doing those things with someone else? How far would you go to force yourself to believe in lies? How long will it take for you to be okay?

Giving up

You; The 1975

They say, "If you don't succeed, try, and try again." The countless times of trying to achieve what seemed attainable was heartbreaking enough that you reach a point wherein you just get so tired, discouraged, and out of breath, leaving you thinking where you could possibly unearth the energy to get up on your feet again and continue. You forget the reasons why you're still struggling to get to that one important thing.

How I see it, giving up is easier said than done. The hardship and tribulations you've gone through is already difficult. You've gone passed the first trial and you keep pushing yourself to just fight a little more but you still come up empty handed. Why would you give up? It is as if you just want to keep going at it again, and again. Giving up is onerous.

And it was just as arduous to learn to give up because I have failed in everything I have ever fought for.

the lamb

For the past few days I've been too busy. My mind has been all over the place. I don't know how I was able to forget what happened a year ago. I still can't believe you're gone. I don't understand how you were able to do it. I waited to hear from you but I never did.

I smile whenever I think of you and the night we first met. My eyes would well up and tears would fall when I'd think about the day I heard about your death. I hope you're having an amazing party up there, M.

I miss you, still.
I love you.

Disheartened

Have you ever, in your wildest dreams, thought you'd be what you are at this very moment in time? How did we ever get to this place, do what we're doing, and feeling the way we are? Is it what we want? Is it what we imagined we'd be? Ultimately, are we happy?

For the longest time, I've been so sure that I'm ready to face this inevitable challenge. I feel as if I have so much to offer and at the same time, I have everything to gain. Unfortunately this challenge is missing the most important component. You.  But lately, I feel like running and hiding. Although I'm almost certain you won't even bother looking. Somewhat hoping that you'll never find me again. I don't really know what we're doing, and I don't exactly know what's supposed to happen. I just know that at this very moment I feel like I'm slowly withdrawing my thoughts of you.

Or maybe what I need to do is allow what I'm feeling for you to momentarily slow down because I know I'll terribly miss you if I quit you. And even without quitting, I already do.

Save.

(Where You Go; Young Romans)

I thought we were doing fine. I thought we were doing okay. I was really hoping you wouldn't be like the last one who was perfect but walked away. I'm not looking to blame anyone or point fingers but instead, here I am, trying my best to be someone you can talk to without even asking you, "What's wrong?" I don't know how you got to this point of wallowing in self-inflicted misery and I'm not ready to ask. I told you to leave everything in the past. I told you I'll be right here. You're stuck there and I'm waiting in the present. Grab my hand, I'll get you out of there.

never been better

surprises

A surprise for you.
A year has passed and you're greeted with another one with great company by your side, doing the unimaginable for someone like you. You never expected your day to turn out this way. I could tell by the change in your face's expression. Your usual sullen look has turned around to a contented-pushing-it-to-happy smile.

A surprise for me.
I never thought I'd feel this way seeing your face light up. I could feel the warmth and joy around you transcend. I never want to see your face covered with a morose expression. I didn't know this until now but maybe, just maybe, this is how much you really mean to me.

When your best friend breaks up with you

Runaway; Jensen Gomez

You were my best friend and I thought those kinds of relationships would last forever. We talked about doing so many things together.

Go surfing.

Put up a shirt business.

Travel.

Go to the same university.

Even take up the same majors.

I never knew it would hurt so much when you decided to leave me. You didn't even give me a second chance. You left me empty and weary. I didn't know what to do first. I don't know if that even matters.

Be mad.

Be sad.

Feel nothing.

Brush it off.

Give you time.

Try again.

I tried so much. I tried for two years. One day i just came to accept the fact that I had to learn to live without you. I had to let you go. I had to pick myself up. And in the four years that have passed, the new friends I made weren't anything like you.

I still have all the things you gave me. The book you made for my birthday. The notebook for creative purposes. The shirt you never got to wear.

I'd tell my new friends about you and how you asked me to prom. I told them how you made me feel, the one I never got to tell you at all. 

Today I tried again. Now I feel like a child learning how to walk for the first time because it isn't like long time friends who see each other again and hug it out with a long string of stories to match, acting as if lost time is easy to make up for. Because it's not. Four years has passed and I still don't know how to act around you. I'm scared that I might do something to create a greater distance between us.

Four years has passed and we're finally doing all of the things we used to talk about doing together. But we're doing it separately.